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RSSCurrently listening to: Elliot Smith, which is probably the worst possible music I could listen to right now, given my mood.
I'm sure that the title "Crisis" caught your attention, which was the main purpose. But, I also want you to remember that I'm a bit dramatic and nothing that I call a "crisis" actually turns out to be one in reality.
Slight recap of the major events of the past couple of days:
Monday - worked in the lab all day and became an official taste tester at Solae, which is a company that makes soy based products (I will receive compensation for my time, which is why I signed up); I'll be honest, Monday was a little boring because I basically just read research articles all day. Don't get me wrong, self-esteem and its effects on the hippocampus are quite interesting, but there's only so much scientific jargon I can stomach in a 24 hour period.
Tuesday - kinda figured out a little bit more of how the spatial navigation project will work; The other undergraduate research assistant and I worked on coding for the typical errors that the older adults made when going through the maze. SLIGHT PROBLEM: the stupid program didn't save the majority of the files we needed to code, so this pretty much fell apart in 30 minutes. However, Jake informed me that this kind of disarray is a common part of the research process, especially at the beginning. I'm just easily frustrated because I'm a very headstrong, "go getter," and I don't like to be patient, I guess.
And that brings us today, where my crises that have slowly been building up, all came to a head. They are:
1. "Yes, I'm going to get my PhD in Clinical Psychology. That is definitely my career choice." Oh wait... but I'm really interested in neuropsychology... but I want to work with people... ok, so I'll specialize in Clinical Neuropsychology! (I found out yesterday that this is an option) Wait, maybe I should consider medical school? I could then specialize in Psychiatry. No, I should stick with Clinical Psychology. But, I really want to prescribe medicine; there's a big push for psychologists to be able to do that with special training right? HOLD UP. What about this whole MD-PhD thing ("mud-phud")!? Then I could do both! AND, the NIH would basically pay for me to go to school. But I don't think I'm smart enough to get in... or am I? But am I too late? No, I can do post-bacc. studies in pre-med. But do I really want to do that? Do I want to take the MCAT? What if I don't get in? Is this actually God's plan for my life? What is God's plan for my life? DAJSKDJALKSDAKSLDJA.
^^ Yes, above you can see my thought processes all day. Actually, I shortened much of it for your viewing pleasure. I don't think enlightening you to my vast neuroticisms will make anythings more clear to you or me. Summary: I don't know if I want to go to medical school, graduate school, or do the MD-PhD program. I don't even know if the latter is possible, given my limited research experience (The "MD" part means that I would be a clinical practitioner, and the "PhD" says that I will conduct research. The NIH sees the importance of research in an academic hospital setting, which is why they will fund individuals to go down this path).
2. I'm quite fearful that I won't have enough data collected by July 29th to present a poster on my research.
Prayer Requests:
- Submission to Christ (I think much of this worry/anxiety is me trying to do everything on my own).
- That I would become increasingly more comfortable in this novel setting; it still stresses me out at times
- Loneliness; I'm just by myself for the vast part of the day
Crisis.
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Praying for you my dear brother! I loved your thought process...sounds a bit like many of my thought processes. You know, I'm really glad I was in your car when having that minor break down. Actually, it was a big step in learning to let go of my need to control everything. You have seen a side of me that many people have not and probably will not ever see.
It's funny the things you learn when you're alone. It's also funny how we panic and then later we realize, "oh...def didn't need to panic" It's even funnier that we know these things but panic anyway!
I don't know what I'm saying to you right now! I'm just rambling. But basically I want you to know that you're not alone! It's okay to freak out but don't wallow in it and don't let it paralyze you from doing what you're doing. This is where you give it to God and then put one foot in front of the other knowing, with confidence, that he IS guiding you. I also want you to know that it does get easier!! I promise! I mean, it won't ever be like you wake up one morning and suddenly you love where you are or what you're doing and you're all okay with not having your best friends around. But it gets easier.
Anyway! Be encouraged that you are even freaking out. That means God cares about you and His plan for you :)
okay I'll go respond to your fb message now. I just wanted to leave you a comment because comments make people happy and I wanted to make you smile a little!
1. yeah, in research? everything could/will probably go wrong.
2. I'm not going to tell you not to think about your future plans because there's NO WAY anyone can get around thinking about that. BUT! I will tell you this, you DO have a future that will be what is absolutely in your best interest. So, freak out, weigh options, but don't have any regrets in your choosing. (and definitely don't let it distract you from the present. We can get caught up in our futures so much that we miss present opportunities).
3. I'm praying for you, friend!
4. I'M SO FREAKING JEALOUS YOU'RE IN ST. LOUIS!!!!!
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